So my thoughts for the day......When did it happen?

Ok, soap box alert! If you don't want to read about what's bugging me tonight, stop reading and go check out pogo.com.

I realize its been awhile since I've blogged but I haven't felt like saying anything significant until today. Today's reason? I feel like crap and people who should care...don't.

This all started last week on Friday. I woke up crazy early with an awful headache. As I became aware of the time (3am) I realized also that my entire back was in pain and I was shivering. I wasn't feeling chilled or anything. My body was basically shaking. Great, I'm getting sick.

As I stumbled my way to the kitchen I discovered hubby still awake and playing a game on my laptop. ( I've spoken earlier of his insomniac tendencies.) So, I found a thermometer and some advil. My temp was 99.3. No big deal, could be anything. So I went back to bed.

When I eventually gave up and got out of bed I decided to go visit a family member who was in the hospital. The more I was up and moving around I discovered that EVERY inch of my body ached. My thoughts went in two different directions.....

1. What the heck is wrong with me?
2. Big baby, stop being over dramatic.

Well the second thought was confirmed by my mother once I got to the hospital. We both happened to be there at the same time. The patient was sleeping peacefully so I asked my mother what she thought might be causing my symptoms. She's very good at guessing things and when we were younger we all called her Doc. But that day she told me my symptoms were because I am not getting enough exercise. Grrr. The closest I can come to describing the way I felt was the flu. I felt like I had the flu. And she says its because I've not been getting enough exercise. Grr.

At first I thought, geesz, you're right, what a pig I've turned out to be. But then I thought.....Wait, I've not been any less active that normal, as a matter of fact, I've been doing a lot of extra walking on vacations, etc. Self defeating thoughts fleeting, indignation rising. The next thought was.....Hey, you've not even been in town for 3 weeks, how do you know what I've been doing or not doing? Cue---exit stage left. I left the hospital wondering what exactly my mother thinks of me. Dangerous pathway.

By the end of the night I was having a full blown migraine, was aching absolutely everywhere and could barely move my head. Needless to say the movie we were watching, HANCOCK, was awesome but I could not focus on the last 30 minutes of it at all. Too many flashing lights, loud music. I was trying really hard to keep the DQ supper in my body.

So we bid our friends farewell and stopped at the afterhours walk-in clinic for my doctors. As it turns out, I have a UTI. Lots of infection as well as some blood.....I am a kidney stone producer. Seriously, I've had as many stones as I am old. If kidney stones were worth something like pearls are, I'd be rich.

So, an infection. Not fat lazy slob disease. Hmm. Over the course of the next few days my temp has gone up to 103 several times. Even on an antibiotic. Which to me doesn't make sense. Shouldn't a fever start to go down and then stay there if you are getting better? Apparently I'd have moments of delusions thinking I was better because my temp was 99.3 again. But then hours later it went back up to nearly 103. I don't get it. So I've spent the last 3 days on the couch covered by piles of blankies, longing for my granny to feed me some chicken noodle soup like she used to do when I was sick as a kid.

Mom's solution or answer to my fever still being high.....I shouldn't be eating sweets. Granted, I am a diabetic and high blood sugars do affect the healing process but.....really. How does she know what I'm eating and not eating?????? I don't live with her. As a matter of fact, I haven't been eating much of anything since I've had this fever.

Now this morning, she insisted that I call the doctor. Major whiplash with that directional change. So I did call explained things to the girl who answered the phone, she was polite and said she would get the message to the doctors right away. She said they even had appointments available today if they wanted to see me. That was around noon today. Its now 9:34pm. I'm glad they've gotten back to me. Oh wait...they haven't.

Now, something about me that you might not know. I can be over reactive to health issues that most people consider to be trivial or a minor inconvenience. However....as many cancer survivors can attest, you just can't shake that worry. Its been nearly 10 years since my leukemia diagnosis and I still want instant attention to my issues like they gave me when I was going through chemo. Also, I never know when an infection that goes beyond the normal path might mean a relapse.

All of these crazy things going on this week combined with going to the same hospital I received my treatments to visit someone I care for deeply. I'm not happy. And BTW why do they still have to use the same soap in the bathrooms??? I get a good whiff of that stuff when I'm washing my hands and am immediatly taken back to room 1217 with the horrible painting on the wall.

The 94 year old family member is home and doing very well considering she had both a heartattack and stroke. My temperature is basically calm now its not done much spiking. Its at a lovely 99.5.

So my thoughts for the day......When did it happen?

When did I turn into the daughter who isn't smart enough to figure out when there is something wrong with her body? Really, I'd like to know when. 10 years ago I was a mess but she was there believing everything that I told her about what I was feeling. And was so sweet about taking care of me.

So now it seems.....I have entered a new phase of life. And I don't know when it happened. Or if I could ever change it.

Its the compassion I miss. I miss it from my parents. They have yet to say anything along the lines of "I'm sorry you are going through this." In any of the major events we've been dealing with lately. Instead we get drilled with questions and silences.

So how about it readers? What shift in relationships have you been dealing with lately? Parental or other. Any words of wisdom?

I'm sorry its a downer this time. Maybe I should just go drink a gallon of water and jog my way to and from the gas station up the road.